Just Thought...

- Joined a gym a few days ago...am really enjoying it...realizing that one's physical stamina is as much as one's mental stamina...the body feels tired/overstretched as soon as the mind does...

Just Thought...

- Thinking too much these days...its resulting in counter-productiveness :(( ...Must stop, pull a brake, JUST STOP all the inconclusive thoughts!!!!

- There is just so much to do, one starts thinking that the personal front is a hindrance to the professional front!!

- Happiness is a stupid emotion - a mrig trishna - and the "hunt for happiness" is the most uncalled for...still we spend our life and energy and mind-space hunting the same...is this some sort of natural human paradox?? I think I was better off when I was in undergrad, happy to be called "The Man with a pace-maker instead of a heart...no emotions!!" Was really happy then!

Dear Blog,

I have been thinking about this for quite some time…in fact, any friend in XL who was patient enough to lend an ear has heard this question from me – what is it in a person that makes him/her successful? What is it in that person that separates him/her from those that are unsuccessful or not so successful?

Better still, allow me to be a bit blunt –what qualities should a man possess that would make him become a “Big Man”? (Sounds a bit weird when expressed in English! So let me express it better – Ek Insaan mein aisi kaun si khubiyan honi chahiye jisse wo ek kaamyaab insaan, ek bada aadmi, ban sake?)

Nope, Bloggie! This isn’t bringing out the “edge” in my question…what I want to ask is, “What makes a person a Dhirubhai Ambani, JRD Tata, Sam Walton?”

What a stupid question, you’d say? I don’t think so. Can you give me an answer? Is there a comprehensive “list” of such qualities or facilities or both? Don’t give me the usual gassy answers…I’ve heard plenty of those…

Just Thought...

- Sometimes, to maintain your equilibrium, you have to act as if you've lost it!! (courtesy: Sagar, my younger bro) :)

Just Thought...

- The most important thing in making, sustaining or breaking of a relationship is constructive communication - or the lack of it.

- One of the best gifts that I have received from God - touchwood! - are the people around me with whom I can have an honest and open conversation without the risk of "being judged"...people with whom I can even talk about "what-went-wrong-with-us" and still be one of the closest friends ever...Today, I want to take this opportunity to Thank You Lord, for this wonderful gift! :)

What ails thee, O Com+Pane?

Dear Blog:

I don’t understand…what ails these big companies? How strong is their foundation, which cannot sustain a recessionary phase of even 6-12 months? The way some of the companies have been howling their throats hoarse in the last year, it seems as if they are made of paper! I mean, they have been in existence for decades now, their name comes among one of the best since a long time, they are highly respected by shareholders, customers, suppliers and the stock markets, their employees take pride in the company…so what is it that they cannot sustain a dull period for some time? Being in such a status for a long time, one would like to believe that these companies would have enough emergency ammunition (read: money) to ward off such temporary evils.

But no, it certainly doesn’t seem like it. The worst part is the way they take show reaction to these environmental factors and take so-called “corrective actions” – by laying off scores and scores of employees…I mean, Hello! What part of your total cost is employee cost, guys? And why can’t you choose any other way out? The name "company" originates out of the Latin - Com (with)+ Pane (bread)...i.e., to share bread together...If you’re closing down a certain division, at least re-assign those employees somewhere else. Some honorable companies have done this, others have not. True, some companies were even decent enough to help employees find another job…but the moot question is – how can the companies justify the fact that even after decades of profitable business; they are today unable to absorb this shock…why, by now they should have hundreds of crores in their coffers to fight off the lull. And if your exposure to a particular risky asset class was huge, reduce that...but why take such a drastic step? Sometimes, I think this is just another PR exercise by troubled companies to show to the world that they are taking action against this horrible recession! They know that when they want to hire, they will find talent aplenty, so theek hai na, aaj nikaalo aur duniya ke saamne apna chehra bachao, kal ki kal dekhenge…

I think the root cause of all this is their margins. If the intensity and magnitude of their troubles is really as much as they are showing, then it means that they don’t have the margins they are showing on the balance sheet. Otherwise, there is no way they can’t survive the recession on the basis of the past reserves. I can give examples of companies which have been doing great business in the past and have swam the tide gracefully, so I fail to understand how these guys can’t.

To put in plain XL words, they are giving just GAS. If one decodes everything that they are saying, it reduces to one sentence – “We don’t know why we were doing so well when the market was good, we don’t know what to do in the current situation, we are afraid we might get clobbered in the public and on the stock exchanges and are therefore taking any and all drastic steps to show to the world that we are working to manage the crisis”

MBA - Master in Business Administration. Really?

Dear Blog,

The other day, while Dad and I were on a train journey, we just got talking about the education field and the various options…and also the reaction of our relatives on my completing my MBA and still choosing to join the business, when Dad came across what I think is a very valid point – Why call this degree/diploma an MBA? Before you develop any notions/opinions, let me explain…

You see, every post-graduate degree/diploma has a “Masters” prefixed to it, so you have a Masters in Finance, a Masters in Psychology, a Masters in Education and so on. But none of the “Masters” has been glamorized so much by the academic fraternity, public or the corporate world, except Masters in Business Administration. The effect of this being that the perception about an MBA grad is that he has been taught some secret formulae of success by which he has the weaponry to “Bring a better Future” or “Change the World” or, at least, become a “Money Magnet”!! The "Masters in BA" is seen as "Master of BA" !!

The truth cannot be far from it! We’ve never been taught how to create the future. No one can be taught that. What we have been taught largely is success stories of the past, mostly penned by those who never did an MBA!

We’ve been taught is to think in a sort of structured manner. Ironically, we’ve been taught to do so in a structured environment, whereas what we need is to think with a level head in an unstructured, “real” environment! True, Institutes can’t simulate the exact outside environment inside the campus, but they can – if they want – get pretty close to it.

I am digressing…let me come back to the moot point – why glamorize this discipline so much that it stops a person from coming back to his earlier “normal” life? The perception about the person changes not only in among the people, but in the person himself too, so much so that he may find it difficult to believe that he is the same old version before the diploma!

After all, we’ll all agree…the theoretical knowledge that we gather on campus doesn’t really help us much in isolation – the real learning starts when one is out of the campus in the practical field. All it does is provide us a fancy, comfy ‘cushiony’ start in the name of “Placements”.

What an MBA doesn't teach you...

Dear Blog,

I have been thinking about this for quite some time…in fact, any friend in XL who was patient enough to lend an ear has heard this question from me – what is it in a person that makes him/her successful? What is it in that person that separates him/her from those that are unsuccessful or not so successful?

Better still, allow me to be a bit blunt –what qualities should a man possess that would make him become a “Big Man”? (Sounds a bit weird when expressed in English! So let me express it better – Ek Insaan mein aisi kaun si khubiyan honi chahiye jisse wo ek kaamyaab insaan, ek bada aadmi, ban sake?)

Nope, Bloggie! This isn’t bringing out the “edge” in my question…what I want to ask is, “What stops a person from becoming Dhirubhai Ambani, JRD Tata, Sam Walton?”

What a stupid question, you’d say? I don’t think so. Can you give me an answer? Is there a comprehensive “list” of such qualities or facilities or both? Don’t give me the usual gassy answers…I’ve heard plenty of those…

To Believe or not to Believe...

I was once having this rather interesting conversation with a client of mine some days ago on - believe it or not - life after death and whether there is anything called re-birth! The client believes in all this big time and said that she had had a dream where one of her deceased relatives was telling her how it was up "there". I've also read a couple of instances in magazines about cases where a certain person had died and was reborn with evident marks of the earlier birth...I find the subject quite fascinating...

During the conversation, she mentioned an author in this field, Dr. Brian Weiss. She said that he is an absolute authority on this subject in the current time and highly recommended his research..

Seems like an interesting topic :) Soch raha hoon padhunga...

Just Thought...

- There's no point in taking a break when there's work around you...no matter how much fun it provides...you might think it'll relax you, but if you are serious about your work, it'll never relax you. Breaks are fun only when you have earned them, not taken them...

Learnt The Hard Way...

- A customer who shouts on you for faster delivery is better than one who is silent.

- Never compromise on quality for the sake of faster shipments. It can cost you a lot.

"The White Tiger" - A Must Read

Been reading an amazing book currently – “The White Tiger” by Arvind Adiga.

After a long time, a book that shows a true and clear picture of the Real India without any direct gaali-galauch on how this isn’t right and that is wrong…and doesn’t preach about the so-called morals of living. It’s admittedly a little bitter in places (justified) with a pinch of dark humor to add to the flavor, but after a while, the book makes you see the world (and a murder) through the eyes of Balram Halwai, a chauffer (and the murderer).

Arvind has a knack of coming up with some very witty one-liners which keeps the tempo alive. (Throughout the book, Balram is talking to the Chinese Premier and “educating” him about India prior to his visit here.) “Mr. Premier, you don’t speak English and I don’t speak English, but there are certain things that can be said only in English” –one of my favorite one-liners :)

Arvind’s sarcasm and scorn on the Indian Life is well brought out; the passion in expressing what he wishes to never losing tempo.

…and if you want to tickle your brain-buds a little more, read it with the accent that Russell Peters uses when he is mimicking Indians. The fun really starts then! ;-)

Does God Play Dice?

If God laid emphasis only on our actions – Karma – disregarding our intentions, wouldn’t that be an unfair method of evaluating our existence? If so, then it makes God unfair and partial (Partial because, He’s the One who creates the constraints within which we have to make decisions, and He’s the One who gives us our nature which influences our decision making; He controls both the environment and the act of decision-making in us). If He does not disregard our intentions, then He has to be a little subjective in evaluation, for strict parameters in His decision-making may make Him prone to mistakes…and He can’t take the “I’ll-make-an-exception-in-this-case” stance, for that, again, makes Him partial…

So how does God evaluate our life? Or rather, does He evaluate it at all? Or does He just play Dice?

XL Parting Poem

Dear Blog,

I’d written this poem long ago…as the name suggests, to commemorate the last few days @ XL. But since I am one of the four greatest all-time great poets in the world, I didn’t want to share my jewel so soon :-P …but I feel like sharing it with you now…so here it is…

Words cannot describe the time spent with u...

It’s only the smiles that i feel comforted in...

The 'Hi', the 'Cya', the 'Buzz!’ the 'U there?'...

Have so become a part of life, so ingrained within...

They say its part and parcel, a phase of life,

I say its memories, where feelings reside

I feel like crying, but something stops me...

It’s your success, and I am happy from within...

The laughter, the debates, the leg-pulling, the tests,

Nothing will be the same dear friends, not even the jests

It’s hard to let go, hard to believe,

That u won't be there...I feel emptiness within

Stay in touch comrades; let this not be the end,

We will create destiny, and rules we will bend,

The world will envy us, respect and be inspired,

May u achieve all the success, I pray from within...

My Bests - II

Dear Blog,

I’d said I’d be back with this one…and so here I am. The reason still remains the same, though – Its my back-up for any unforeseen hard-disk crashes :-P.

Memory is a very funny thing friends…it literally ‘throws up’ past incidents in one’s head when one might not be expecting or experiencing anything related to it at that time…even if it is something that you only wished in the past but which has not yet materialized…

…and then again, there are times when you desperately want to remember something, and then memory will play with you as Lord Krishna played with His Gopis!

So in order to avoid such mischief by my memory…My Bests – Part II –

Award @ XL – "The Omnipresent One" :) …Had actually not even thought about being nominated in any of the “Red Carpet” awards…but was pleasantly surprised :-D …Thank you everyone who voted!

Holi @ XL – in 2009, where we played more with mud than with colors!...I came down quite late...wasn't in the mood to play Holi...had it not been for Ankit and Rohan I wouldn't have come down at all. When I came down, the first sight in front of my eyes was that all men were semi-naked...no t-shirts on any one of them ('xept a few who had some exam or something)...so the moment they saw me in full clothes, they all ran towards me as if they ahd seen an alien who was best kidnapped or killed!!! Needless to say what happened to dear "ABG t-shirt" :-( !

Once I captured and converted into "one of them", I was part of the herd...hence, was meted with the same treatment as a baby is when he comes to this world...make him have as many baths as he can endure till he is big enough to protest another one!!...first came multani mitti (the actual word is "mud"; I am just trying to make myself feel good!) bath, then was fresh water (filled with colors and people's spit - mine too, later on - and all the dirt that they'd been accumulating on themselves since the last 1 week!), then was mud again, then came colors (finally!) but everyone thought that musd looks better on me than colors (!), and so it was mud again...but y'know the best part...I didn't have to do so much mehnat like others in having a bath... :-P

...and, of course, the time spent with friends thereafter, literally lazing around in front of the café, watching movies in the LH, non-stop bakar and the biking excursion :)

Gyan sessions – Hmmm…now let me see…where’d it all begin…oh yes, ‘twas during the “Induction” time of juniors…giving them gyan on “how to solve a case study” blah blah…and then the general gyan on Life @ XL (trust me, every senior loves to give this gyan :D)…but the best was the time when I was reviewing junior’s CVs for SIP…got to interact with so many juniors with whom I had previously not interacted. It was truly a great experience to be able to build a rapport with so many people in such a short time.

Car Trip – was (i) When I travelled from Jampot to Cal and (ii) Was when I travelled to an obscure waterfall and then to Ranchi with RJ, Rohit, Juhi, Chandu, Gunji, Neha and Gaurav (am I forgetting someone?...oops!)

Bike Trip – was when 4 of us went to see the Dimna sunrise during the sixth term…’twas an amaaazzzing trip! Here's where I learnt to bike also! :)

Compliment that I have received – “I am proud of you” (This was in the first term)

Gift that I have received – A teal colored sweat shirt. Will treasure it for my life.

XL t-shirt that I have worn –Hmmm….now this is the only topic which draws a ‘Hmmmm’ out of me….Hmmmmmm….I’ll get back to you on this one folks! :-P

Term @XL – Ummm…1^st term and…ummm…2^nd term…3^rd term was good too…4^th, 5^th and 6^th were definitely awesome….heck! every single minute spent there! :)

Most Busiest Day – was this day when I had 5 classes, 1 class quiz (don’t remember which subject!), ISE Final Presentation, PBM final submission, Consumer Behavior final report submission, final presentation AND a class quiz (for which, ultimately, I hadn’t studied a word!), BLAW presentation and an event to organize on behalf of CRESCENT…my group (including me, lest someone let their imagination run lose! :-P) finished the ISE presentation during the day, dragged and completed the PBM and CONB submission the night before, working till 4 AM (with the CONB presentation yet to be made, and with the first class at 8:30 AM!)…and whiff! Came the day and Poof!...it went away…’twas an amazing experience…love to stretch myself constantly…and this was one such day…

…by the by, just so that I remember the outcome of this day…I’d like to mention briefly the conclusion of all this activity too… :-D

In PBM, we got one of the highest marks in the class (yay!), the ISE presentation was super –we got the highest marks in class! I had the Law presentation right after the ISE presentation (yes, I gave both of them) within a span of 5 mins (had overshot time in ISE)…scored 10/10 in Law! Both these presentation have been the highest and quickest ROTI (Return on Time Invested ;-)) for me :-P

We somehow made the CONB presentation during the day, only to realize that our turn wouldn’t come in that class :-( …sab mehnat bekaar! The quiz was a funny case…we came to find out after getting to the class that nobody had studied for the quiz…hehe…so it was a guessing game all right…and since the grading was relative, so much less risk of being in the bottom few! :-P as it turned out, I scored pretty decent in the class (Sir! I listen to what you say!)

The event…well, disaster is a small name for it…some high-profile execs had come from the sponsor company, only to find out a near-empty Small Audi…it didn’t help that the guys were a little impatient themselves (They were organizing an event in the fag end of the term…what did they expect!? Duh!!)

Sunrise – This one was in the first term, remember? Chatting up till 6:30 in the morning bang in the middle of the hostel area, oblivious of the hostels and their residents, oblivious that it was, in fact, sunrise, oblivious of the fact that we had classes just some time later… (In campus, who bothered of sleep anyways!? :-P)

The morning after Welcome Party, when we went to Madsam with some seniors for the first time, remember?

The bike trip to Dimna with C.A.R.T. (The photos are on FB :-)) –learnt how to ride a bike there properly, and your truly tried his hand at photography too. Personally, I think some of the photos have come out really well…methinks there could be a chotu-motu photographer hidden in me somewhere, eh? It’s after these small…er…photo-shoots that my love for photography has grown. I will someday buy a GOOD camera…my present Cybershot is good too, but I want a better one.

Of course, these aren’t the only “Bests” I have had at XL…there are more, much more (which is what makes XL so special). As I am sure each one of us who’s been to XL has…or for that matter, anyone’s who’s ever been to any college has…some of them, we can share; some of them we can’t or don’t want to. A lot of the times, the ones we don’t share are the ones which are actually the best of the best, hai na? :-)

Worth a read...

Read these lines somewhere...just wanted to share them...

"I gotta roll, can't stand still,
Got a flame in my heart, can't get my fill,
Eyes that shine burning red,
Dreams of you all thru my head."

- - Black Dog, Led Zeppelin

Just Thought...

Dear Blog,

I have a tendency...to compartmentalize things to a reasonable extent so that there can be some calrity of thought...but as with many, I also tend to go overboard with it at times :) ...like today...am creating a new section in the blog "Just Thought". I'll write one-line/couple of lines thoughts in this section...y'know...the "just thought about it" type of thoughts...the one-liner thoughts...or, better still, just thoughts...Hehe...

So here goes....

- There is no opportunity cost once a decision has been made

- Obedience is the mother of sacrifice

- Life is an unfair opponent to play against in a game of chess…it has already made all the moves to check-mate you from the moment the game starts; Life is an unfair ally to play with too…it has already made the decision to make all the moves, leaving you with no room to maneuver differently

- English is a funny language...When you translate "Just Thought" into Hindi, it can mean "abhi socha" as well as "aise hi...bas socha" :) :)

MBA - A new meaning :-O)

Read the worst full-form of M.B.A. ever in a newspaper -- Mamata's Business Acumen!!!!! Shucks!!

Methinks the MBA fraternity should protest!!

But on a genuine note...what's up with Mamata di these days? The ease with which she is changing her hues, becoming all pro-industry and all, donning a calm and mature composure all speak of her in a different light...maybe she's coming of age as a politician...

Personally, I think its a time to watch out...if this change in her attitude wins her many accolades from the industry and public, and she manages to achieve her goal of becoming the WB CM, only to turn the industry away again just as she did in the Nano case, then WB is in for worse times...

Strange...Paradox?

Its so strange...all our lives, we are taught one one simple fact - Change is constant...the only thing that's certain in one's life is that it WILL change...one must be prepared...one must learn to move on...one mustn't hold on so tightly that one can't move ahead....is duniya mein kya lekar aaya tha aur kya lekar jayega, jo itna moh hai tujhe...but still we aren't able to bear the thought of change...bear the turmoil...the uncertainty...why?

Life's taking sharp turns...is it good? is it bad? what will the future unfurl? will I stay up to the challenge? Do I want to take up this challenge? Even if I don't, I'll have to take up the other challenge. Will it help more than taking the first route? If I take the first route, Will I have the chance to back-track? I want a chance to back-track...

The other day, was watching "Taarak Mehta ka Ooltah Chashma" on SAB TV, where one character says something very thought-provoking "Hey Bhagwaan, mujhe utna hi dukh dena jitna main sehen kar sakoon" --though it was said in jest in the serial, i was thinking...Is God really that fair? Or does He always give more pain than the person can handle, so that he (the person) can brace himself for the next disaster in his life? What if the person is not able to handle it? Does it not hurt Him to see his children in pain and suffering? or, seeing that His child is suffering more than He intended him to, He has mercy on him and gives him what he so strongly desires? Does God play Dice?

Or, taking a practical viewpoint of "what we sow, so shall we reap" funda, its all our own doing and so what's the point of even praying to God for all these things?? Itna sochna hi nahi chahiye...'hota hai-chalta hai-duniya hai' types rehna chahiye...? Hmmm?

I have always believed that God is an entity who, like each breath in us, knows us inside out...guides our path, knows our deepest desires and loves them as much as we do...works with us to help us accomplish our goals...our yearnings...helps us keep the candle of Hope alive...wants to see us Happy the way we want to be Happy and Himself feels Happy in seeing us Happy...

I hope God is reading this.

Monsoon! Baaah!!

Pathetic Weather! Pathetic Weather! What is wrong with clouds, raining all day like there's not going to be any other year to rain in!!? The streets are muddy, the air's heavy all the time.....impediment to work, impediment to every outing, a real dampner on the moods....damn!!

Who says Nature's perfect....for we don't need so much rains in the city....make it rain where it is actually required and that's what its supposed to do...not here in the city area where employees are just trying to find an excuse to shirk work, where poor people in the slums have to bear with the rains too, as if they didn't have enough problems already...

Its pathetic out here.....hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

The Storm...

I'm sitting in my office...though this is far from a normal day...Aila has hit Calcutta some 3 hrs ago and is creating havoc here...more so in the vilalges of south 24 parganas...mud houses are breaking, roofs can be seen flying in the wind, 4 people have already died and the news channels are saying that things will worsen as the day progresses...one of my craftsmen has already lost his home's roof and a part of his work-shop's roof... :( :(

As I look out of my office window, I can see felled trees and empty roads...news sites are saying that around 200 houses have been damaged in the districts...so many people would have lost whatever they had today...May God give them the strength and opportunity to regain whatever they have lost soon...

Am worried about my staff...some of them travel around 1.5-2 hours to reach home from office...I can't send them home and don't want them to stay here either...its not safe here as it is, they might as well be near their family members...but then, the office is probably safer than their home...

The news channels have just reported that banks near Canning have started to flood and various mud  embankments have been broken...hmmm....Will it flood in cal this time? Keeping my fingers crossed...

The Best

There are so many memorable moments of the time spent on campus...and once realises that they are "memorable" only after checking out of campus...now that I have enough time (and no other option) to reminicize about "those days", I feel an urge to capture them....

Please allow me to make an honest admission: I have a fear in Life...the fear of what if someday I suddenly lose my memory....what if I suddenly forget certain things!!? If somebody's reading this, I am sure he/she is laughing....but it's true...I fear that! and so, as a "back-up", am making this small effort to capture "My Bests" in XL (This is a partial list...Maybe someday I'll come up with an "addendum", just like I'll do for my "What do I miss most about XL" post...)

So here goes...My Best..

Wetnite in XL: 26^th January, 2009

Words I have heard on waking up: Good Morning! :)

Music that I have heard on waking up: My Phone ringing :)

Lunch while at XL: At Tango, at Dosa King

Food: Au Gratin with Garlic Bread, Pav Bhaji Dosa, Bull’s Eye, Litti, Golgappe

Sunrise: (i) At Campus, after a night out of gap-shap with my best friend and (ii) At Dimna in the 6^th term

Breakfast: At Regent…2 days in a row with the best company I could ask for :)

Movie Experience: Notting Hill, Jodha Akbar (saw it on a projector in my room!!!), DDLJ in the 6^th term and a host of others!

Interview experience: All CRISP Interviews!

Committee Experience: CRISP, Team Services (equally)

Grax experience: In Services Hub!!

Presentation experience: In ISE course (presented for only 9 mins as against the required 30       mins, still got the highest!)

English I’ve spoken: With Highly!!! (We invented a new way of speaking!!–Liking!!)

Eatery on campus: Bishu Da!

Of his offerings: Cheese Fried Maggi, Aloo Paratha and strong coffee :)

Marketing Prof: Govindrajan Sir

Fin Prof: Prantik Ray (No! Don’t die laughing!! I was just kidding!!), UD Sir

Dholki I’ve seen in XL: Well, the same opinion that SAC has! ;)

Dinner on campus: Thepl@xi Dinner, of course!

Horror movie experience: The movie 1408, In Sheela’s room in 6^th term with him, Highly and me…and Highly’s howls being more scary than the movie itself!!

Pizza’s in Jampot: At Pizzapuram

Why Aren't You Doing A Job After MBA???

It’s been almost a month since I’ve come back home from campus…been meeting a host of people – relatives, clients, karigars (sub-contractors working for me)…and everywhere I go, I’m always asked the same question – “Why aren’t you doing a job if you’ve done a MBA?”

I have faced this question a thousand times …since the time of my XL interview – was asked the same question there (“Why do you want to do a MBA if you don’t want to do a job?”), by friends once I actually got through the interview, by my paternal uncle (“If you are so sure of not doing a job after your MBA, you are wasting the institute’s seat!”), by different batch-mates all through my stay at XL and now by relatives (again!), clients (also!) and karigars too! (They are village folk; they don’t know what degree I have done, but they just know that bodo da – bade bhaiya – has done some “hi-fi” studies which pays a lot!)…

Some of them look at me expectantly after asking this question, as if I will just now start speaking about my plan of “How-will-I-build-my-hazaron-karodon-ki-industries”; some ask this question with a subtle smirk which says “Didn’t/Couldn’t get a job, huh!?”, when they don’t know that I had not even sat for placements; some ask this with genuine curiosity because they haven’t seen anyone not doing a job after MBA…but everyone is curious to understand why I didn’t go for a job at an MNC with a plush salary in a great building with a fancy designation…Why?

In the course of my interactions with these different groups of well-wishers, it seems to me that they believe that MBA is some kind of a magical course…that the Institute is a sacred Hogwart’s castle… that they teach “The Secret Formula for Quick Success in Business” in a B-School and the person who leaves a comfy job of 10-12-15 lakhs per annum is either mad or has a crystal clear plan in his mind that is going to earn him crores, starting the first day he joins/starts his business!!

I have mixed thoughts when I hear this question from such people, for I truly believe that some of them have a lot of experience (businessmen, older relatives who have seen a lot of Life), some of them have above average expertise in their chosen field (fellow MBAs, businessmen) and most of them have a practical reasoning ability…are they trying to test my clarity of thought by asking my plan of action? Are they trying to tell me that I am a fool to expose myself to greater risks of doing business than have a secure steady income of X lakhs per annum? Or are they trying to elicit an answer from me about a question which they themselves haven’t been able to answer? A lot of my clients and relatives doing business believe that time has come when small and medium businesses won’t survive for long…it’s time to scale up or ship out…So are they underestimating me?

Anyways...I have to go now...will return to you at a more apt time again, for sure...

Then and Now...

Y’day was talking to my younger bro…and he said something very interesting in a matter of fact way…he said, “Bhai, I think it’d have been a better world if we were still in the pre-civilization age…back then, Man had no tension…all he’d have to do was wake up, find food, eat it somehow, find a resting place and go back to sleep again!”. I said, “But back then, he was in constant danger of getting killed…”… “Aren’t we now?” he asked me.

First Brush!

My first brush with the industry (albeit indirect), after completing my course and returning home…

The Setting: An informal chit-chat between my client and my father

The Background: The ongoing recession and the contribution of MBAs in ‘creating’ this recession (!!!!)

Client: Arre Mr. Kataria, I am telling you…its these MBAs only who have brought about this recession..

Dad: How?

Client: Lemme explain how Sir…you see, we all have not studied as much as them…right?

Dad: Very true Sir…

Client: Hmmm…Bhai hum log to mehnat kar ke khaane wale log hain…we strive our whole lives vying to make our businesses as big as possible…so when our business attains a decent size, we think of making it bigger…of ‘professionalizing’ it because everyone says that running a business in the typical ‘Lala’-type manner won’t take it far…so we hire a couple of these kids from these Hogwarts-castle like colleges…

Dad: Haha…Sir, you put it forward in a nice manner…

Client: So these kids walk in, and the first thing they want to do is analyze your Balance Sheet and P/L account…they find out YoY growth rates and CAGR and all that fancy stuff…and then tell you that despite your phenomenal growth in the last 2 yrs or 3 yrs or 5 yrs, you have actually lost XYZ amount of business and these 1-2-3 areas are the root cause for your losing business…your turnover is at such-and-such level whereas it could have easily been at least 30%-40% more!!

Now the moment you hear this, your brain is sure to go for a toss!! I mean, ye ladka abhi abhi aa kar aapko ye bata raha hai ki aapne actually itni demand haath se nikal jaane di, whereas till yesterday you were patting yourself on the back on your growth!!

The next thing they will do is ‘analyze the market’ –find the market size, number of similar players…and do some more fancy stuff and tell you that in the next 5 years, the market is going to go from ABC level to MNO level and hence you should gear up for it…you should “plan” well in time so as to take advantage of the market conditions at that time…

You will also think, “Well said!” “Well thought out!” … and you are all ears…the MBA will say, “Sir, I think there is a desperate need for you to increase your production capacity…otherwise you won’t be able to meet the desired supply level after 5 years. Rather than going in for a huge Capex at that time, I suggest that you go for planned, incremental Capex Plans from now only, so that you won’t put too much trouble on your financials later.”

You will also agree to this point, obviously…you also understand that incurring so much Capex at one time is very difficult…sucks out the liquidity from the business.

Dad: Plus, it takes time to build capacity, and it’s possible that you might have missed the bus by the time you are ready…

Client: Very true…to hum bhi unki haan mein haan milate rehte hain…

Then he will tell you that you must set up your manufacturing facility in such-and-such place and that will entail a total of so much expenditure…”But don’t you worry about that…I have figured out a way for that too…your Balanced Sheet is unlevered till now…its always better to have some amount of debt because it reduces equity risk…and banks will lend to you at very reasonable rates…and your Interest Coverage Ratio is also very high, etc etc….” aapko saara logic samjha dete hain, and trust me its all convincing!

So you start setting up your facility…which will invariably be up and running in the next 2 years…the MBA will say, “Its apt time because now you can start increasing your production and supply” So you start doing that, realizing only a little later what you have done! You have actually created a money-guzzling monster! You can’t stop production and the market’s demand doesn’t quite increase as smoothly or constantly as it is shown on paper…moreover, not everyone in the market is your customer and not everyone will become your customer…and you will see liquidity drying up irrespective…either in your stocks or in your receivables…slowly but surely, you will be overstocked with whole warehouses of goods…you will be literally begging your customers to buy some more but to no avail…arre baba, even the end consumer has to buy na…she will look at 50 sarees and then buy 1…but you have already made 500 in the hope that she will buy more, that you will “create a niche”…now if the whole bazaar does like that it only means that the market will be overflowing with sarees…and all this will happen before the predicted 5-year “boom”…you will only go “bust” and never live to hear any other sound except the “boom” that you created!!!

Mr. Kataria I can’t tell you how many have suffered this way…ye padhe likhe log hi market ko kharab kar dete hain…. (!!!)

What Will I Miss Most About XL?

It’s so weird…how much a place can affect you…

I’ve never been too emotional…have always believed in the power of the mind, logic, practicality…during my undergrad days, my friends used to call me the guy with a pace-maker instead of a heart (and somehow, I used to like it too)…but XL has made such an indelible mark in my life, perspectives, personality…that its impossible to stay for a long time without thinking about XL..Impossible to spend a day without missing it…

I guess it’s true: You can take an XLer out of XL, but you can never take XL out of an XLer

I have always believed that this place has the overwhelming power to change a person…and any generous soul who has ever had the patience to talk to me on XL has heard this from my mouth :)…I have changed too, in a lot of aspects…and now that I am out of the campus, feel a void within me…

“What will you miss most about XL?”, someone had asked me recently.

 A lot. Everything, actually.

I’ll miss my classes, where I was always so punctual (always 5 minutes late is also ‘punctual’, right! [:-P])

I’ll miss my projects and those never-ending project meetings....I’ll miss all those case discussions, where I’d invariably be half-asleep and Highly, RJ, Bandit Queen or Chandu would fill me in with the details of the case and then would come the output (for which we have received appreciation also!)!

I’ll miss the people here…so many of them, each one so different from the other…since I’ve always liked staying among lots of people, have loved each and every moment spent with every one of you…

I’ll miss my committee work a lot…Services, CRISP, Crescent, even CII-Yi (very new relatively)…have learnt so much while working in them…learnt how to, above all, work with people who might not share your concerns, who don’t think like you…I’ve always believed that being in a committee isn’t everything; one must prove that his existence in that committee is justified…loved the pressure of proving one’s worth by making one’s ideas / contribution count…

I’ll miss Theplaxi…its been absolutely amazing to work for it…for organizing the Dandiya Nites, the Thepl@xi dinner last time (am very sad not to have been able to organize the dinner this time :( …am worried too, about how the tradition will be carried on by the juniors, since they don’t know what exactly to do…)…I’ll miss the Dandiya, the Garba, teaching enthusiasts whatever little I know…seeing people enjoy the program…the music, the halogen lights…the post-event cafeteria delights…

I’ll miss planning the 1001 things under the sun…with none of them even getting started!!

I’ll miss talking to Profs...not only like a student, but as a professional too....or in personal capacity. I have been able to speak to them more frankly in the second year. You’ll be amazed to see how receptive most of them are if you talk to them frankly…

I’ll miss criticizing the system (though I can do that for some time now! [:-P])…will miss defending the system…

I’ll miss Bishu Da and his amazing parathas and cheese fried Maggi…and the bakar sessions and Gyaan sessions there…and yes, even those two most irritating dogs on the face of the Earth!!

I’ll miss even the mundane tasks of coming out of hostel and entering my room…they have become so much a part and parcel of my routine that not pressing the lock code of my room for some time makes me think something’s amiss…

…will miss the amazing nite-outs, the long walks, the case-taking, the breakfasts @ Regent and Madsam, Litti @ Bistupur (yummm!!), watching movies in LH, gym top, the Learning Centre staircase, the Admin Building stairs, the faculty quarter roads, the photo-shoots (will always think of Chandu and Gunji whenever I think of the word “Photo” [:-D]), the biking sojourns, Budhaxi, all the “axi” ‘s, the highly chilling sessions!, my friends, my best friend…I’ll miss Life.

I’ll miss Life.

Put Your Glass Down...In Time...

One of the thoughtful forwards I have received in a long, long time...I think it's really important for all of us in these times...

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Professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it.  He held it up for all to see & asked the students -

 "How much do you think this glass weighs?"

  '50gms!' ..... '100gms!' .....'125gms'  ...the students answered.

 

 

"I really don't know unless I weigh it," said the professor, "but, my question is:

What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?"

'Nothing' ..the students said.

 

'Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?' the professor asked.

 

'Your arm would begin to ache' said one of the student

 

"You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?"

 

"Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress & paralysis & have to go to hospital for sure!"... ventured another student & all the students laughed

 

 "Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?" asked the professor.

 

 'No'. Was the answer.

 

 "Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?"

 

 The students were puzzled.

 

 "What should I do now to come out of pain?" asked professor again.

 

 "Put the glass down!" said one of the students

 

 "Exactly!" said the professor.

 

 Life's problems are something like this.

 Hold it for a few minutes in your head & they seem OK.

 

 Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache.

 Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.

 

 It's important to think of the challenges or problems in your life,

 But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT is to 'PUT THEM DOWN' at the end of every day

 before You go to sleep..

 

 That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh &strong & can

 handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!

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I too believe that we don't put our glass down in time...in fact, sometimes (somehow) holding it up gives us a sense of satisfaction / achievement / testing our own mettle...sometimes we don't keep it down in the hope that if we keep holding it, maybe the weight will become less...sometimes, we fail to differentiate between our ego and our perseverence...

Love Life...Love its moments...What comes today must go after some time...if you cling to it to make it last forever, it will deprive you of the other wonderful moments that will invariably light up your life even more than the previous ones... Put the Glass down when it starts to hurt...

Live in the present, with your eyes on the future...for it holds promises that must be realized...

The past is a tree that has borne its fruits...the present contains the seeds of the future...for the future to seem as nice when it becomes a 'past', the seeds in the 'present' must be sown with great care and love...

As someone has rightly said, be not sad that it has come to an end, be glad that it ever happened...

Happy Holi !!!

11^th March, 2009 – Haappppyy Holi!! Celebrated Holi on campus, for the first time :) …and I must say it was amazing fun!! 

This was the first time that I played Holi with “keechad”! In fact, I played more Holi with keechad than colors this time!! (It was yucky in the beginning…but after some time Ravi reasoned it was working like a scrub, so I thought…oh, what the hell! Bring it on!! Lolzz…)

I got up late in the morning, around 11:23…didn’t wake up in a good mood, so was contemplating whether to go for the Holi celebrations or not…then after some time, decided to go nevertheless…had just finished carrying out mum’s instructions (“rub oil beta…that’ll help avoid settling of the colors on the skin”) when a couple of juniors barged into the room and covered my face green! (Incidentally, that was the maximum color I was going to get from a single person the whole day!)…

After that I went down to JLT…(was without my specs, so all that I could see from such a distance was a mass of color moving here and there…)…and within 2 mins of reaching the grass, was t-shirt-less!!! Bloody hell! They didn’t let it be on me for even 2 mins…and it wasn’t that it “got torn in the course of playing Holi”, my dear Chandu just tore it off me coz he wanted a t-shirt to go to the faculty quarters!!! (Came to know about this a lil later in the evening, when he told me :) ) Must say it was quite awkward in the beginning…but then I looked around and saw, well…heh heh heh…so I thought, well…heh heh heh [:-P]…

…all this is post thought. Back then, I didn’t have too much time to think…as soon as my t-shirt gladly left me (coz it didn’t make any effort not to leave me!), some 3-4 people grabbed me and threw me in the mud pond…and started pulling and tugging me as if I was a knife they were trying to sharpen!! In the next 2 mins, I was covered with mud all over! Yuck! And then came Harry…! ‘twas as if people were waiting for her to come…as soon as she came down, she too was thrown in the mud pond, then immediately in the water pond, then mud pond again…7 times!!! OMG!

From then on, there was no looking back…slinging mud here, wishing “Happy Holi!” there, throwing someone in the pond here, getting suddenly thrown in mud / water pond there…it was a roller-coaster of two hours…! In the end, was so exhausted that I didn’t have the energy to lift a finger and each a bit too, even though I was famished!

Awwwssomme fun!! Will remember this Holi for a long time :) :) Happy Holi!!

Finally, I start to write... :)

'Tis a new experience for me to start blogging...I'll admit I have dreamt about  'starting my blog' since a long time...esp. since I came to XL...but have been a bit lazy in starting to write...

But now that I have started posting - albeit only 3 posts, including this one - I keep thinking about so many things that I want to share here...too bad I can't link my mind to this thing (y'know, it'd be great if I could just think of a piece which I wanted to post and it could happen, irrespective of where I was! ;-) ), coz its not always possible to stay with the laptop :-(

Anyways, till we are imprisoned in this primitive world , I'll try to keep myself 'posted' as much as possible... [:-P]

Btw, this blogging thingy has got me hooked on to reading a lot of blogs written by others - friends, acquaintances, even unknown people...been trying to observe "How to write a blog"...some silly exercise, u'd say...but I have actually become curious to understand what kind of things people share on a blog. The journey is still young to say anything constructive about my observations, but I'm liking all the different stuff that I'm reading...in a couple of instances, even started developing new (better) perspectives about people whom I don't know so much otherwise...nice hai! :-)

Train, Charger and My Neend...

I am quite capable of “creating adventures”…mistakes that increase the blood pressure of the individual(s) involved in the incident…but I must admit I haven’t created one like this in quite some time!

I’d gone home for a day…naturally, I didn’t carry any luggage with me…had only a small poly bag containing some snacks which my mum had prepared for me and my Sony Cybershot charger. I was as it is afraid of falling off to sleep coz then who’d wake me up!? (Those who live near my room can very well vouch for Mother Sleep’s aashirvaad on me!)…To add to it, my phone was surviving on a single picket fence indicator of the battery…there was no way in hell that phone was going to last 4 hrs!

Anyways, I reached outside my carriage, and what do I see – my seat has been allotted to someone else! And none other than a Prof. at the college! Duh! DUH!!

My seat had been shifted to the next compartment…oh what the hell! I have a confirmed seat anyways na…chalta hai, I thought…So I go there and plop myself on the seat, happy to ignore the family that was occupying the rest of the compartment…empathizing now with those who have bear the cacophony of “family masti” [:-P] – when one of the gentlemen there stands up and asks me politely, “Bhai Sahab, can you please shift to 16 no. ki berth…it’s a side lower…so that we all can stay together…”

“Okay, no problem”, was my sleepy reply. That’ll save me of some noise anyways.

“Thank you so much!”, Uncle, Aunty and a small kid in unison!...I haven’t felt so unwanted in quite some time!

So…yours truly shifts to the side lower and falls off to sleep instantaneously, only to be awakened after some 5 odd minutes by a guy who claims it is his seat! The TTE also supports him and explains that all the seats have been renumbered….so now I have to sleep on the side upper berth instead! Grrr… [This added to my tension – if I was on a lower berth, I could have seen the station name….but now??] I went up, thinking that it would be impolite to create a ruckus at this hour for getting my original berth back…

I fell asleep instantly, keeping my phone right under my ear (now you know how I sleep! ;-D). Beep, Beep, Beep! The phone goes dark after some time…I wake up to see we’ve just crossed KGP and my phone’s died! Damn!! Now what should I do? Clearly, I can’t go back to sleep now…so I just stay awake, staring at the train ceiling two feet above me with drooping eyes…

I realized it’s not working, so got down from the berth for a short walk around the carriage…came back in 5 minutes and lied down again…

Oh Shucks!!!! My bag! Uh oh! My charger!#! Somebody had stolen my bag while I was away (obviously ‘twas not the snacks, but the charger!!)…what should I do? What should I do? What could I do!? Nothing...and that’s what I did after racking my brains for some time…

I kept scolding myself for this stupidity – Shucks! I should have suspected something like this would happen…with my kind of sleeping habits, it was a miracle nobody stole me!...I should have been more careful…arre, how difficult was it to stay awake…or…did someone steal it while I taking the short walk…even then, why did I have to take the walk sans the bag!?...shit yaar…!

But I realized it wasn’t helping things…couldn’t do anything about it, right…so I was lying down…looking at people blissfully snoring away…’twas quite interesting, the various ways in which people snore… ;)

I got down again, in the foolish hope that the thief might have wanted only the food and may have thrown the charger somewhere…obviously nothing turned out of this exercise…so I got up again and was just (trying to) sitting…looking around…

I looked at the side upper berth adjacent to my berth, just to check what kind of sample was sleeping there…when I saw a white poly bag there! My Bag!! Yoo Hoo!! Wow! I noticed I had broken into a wide grin…I chuckled…Tee Hee…and I was like, what kind of an idiotic thief that was!! He must have thought that I was sound asleep and kept the bag there…must have gone to steal some more booty…

…and like a flash of lightening it struck me… each compartment has 9 berths…My seat number was 18…that’s the second compartment in the carriage…and I was in –OMG! – The first compartment!! That’s seat number 9!

Kicked myself in the mind like a zillion times…damn! Damn!! DAMN!!!...what the…how the hell…damn it! Bloody Hell! I had actually got up on the wrong seat and thought all this while what a stupid mistake I had made by carrying only a poly bag…when all this while it was lying safe and sound there with no one bothered to see it even!

I can’t tell you how relieved I was...and how stupid I felt! But as they say, all’s well that ends well…was feeling damn happy that I had got my charger back…celebrated it by sleeping soundly for the next half an hour! [:-D]

Once Upon a Time...

The following is the story of an alcoholic who is suffering from “distorted reality disorder” (due to his drinking problem). He weaves a world of his own, and perceives people and circumstances in the way he sees and wants. The story revolves around how he meets a girl, falls in love with her, misinterprets the situation due to his state of mind and again finds solace in alcohol. The cycle, as the story progresses, becomes complete. Bottoms up!

I am an alcoholic. I know I am, and I am not afraid, or guilty, to admit it. Everybody looks for something or someone to cling on to…to lean on in times of need. I drink, and that helps me. People say it is “bad”, and that excess of it will make me addicted and wasted and dependent. But isn’t that true with everything, for everyone? I mean, if you look at your lover for support all the time, it just means that you too, in a way, are addicted to him/her. In a way, you too are dependent on him/her and you too, are wasted.

But I am not here to preach today. Today, I want to tell you a story. My story.

It isn’t right, you know, to ask an alcoholic just why he started drinking. He wouldn’t be able to tell you for sure. But ask him when, and more often than not, he’ll be able to tell you a vivid account (The why is hidden in the when, but he wouldn’t know this!). It’s because people don’t take to alcohol for a reason, but for a cause. For support. Solace. Comfort. For that one thing in Life that every person keeps hoping for from others, but doesn’t get. The cause to Live. The solution to Life.

I realized I wasn’t reaching home at night some four nights in a week, and when I did, more often than not, would have fallen somewhere and hurt myself before reaching home. I decided I had to reduce my drinking. What could I do? I wasn’t able to control myself…my work was going for a toss (yours truly writes for a living), I had stopped speaking to people, stopped routine things like shaving, TV, shopping—no I wasn’t unhappy, its just that I had started to love booze so much that I didn’t want to waste time doing anything else—so I decided to join AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) chapter in my city.

I had just started going to the jogger’s park for some jogging and free-hand exercises, etc. I had to do it as part of regimen we had decided upon at the AA. I wouldn’t have cared a bit for all this had my condition not deteriorated so much in the last couple of months. But, a la even a camel has to drink water sometimes, I too had to do this…. Hell, who would have even thought that I would wake up every day before sunrise, get ready and go for exercising! Till now, that was my time to go to bed!! Anyway…

I saw her coming from the opposite end as I was jogging through the park one day. She wasn’t a ravishing beauty, but one of those rare people endowed with a perfect blend of sharp facial features, shiny hair, toned figure and a confident body language. One who would make you lower down your pace so that you can admire her beauty a little longer…

She noticed me almost as soon as I did, but for some different reasons I guess. I had absolutely no stamina, and used to huff and puff almost as soon as I started running. By the end of the first round, I’d look as if I have just been saved from drowning! As we came closer, I somehow tripped. She helped me get up and we got talking a bit. I lied to her that I had some medical problem some time ago and so was trying to “get back into shape”. She was a consultant at one of the big firms in the city. I guess I must have made a decent show of myself, for we decided to meet up again the next day.

I felt motivated to go to the park now. Everyday, I’d wait for sunrise, so that I could meet her. We couldn’t meet at any other time, as she had erratic working hours. I appreciated her commitment, and drew inspiration from it. Now I didn’t drink the whole day. I mean I did, but not in the way I used to. Now I drank in small quantities. I drank for and because of happiness. As they say, it kept me in ‘good spirits’. I started feeling I was in better control of my life (read: drinking).

We were coming closer. In some days only, we had become good friends. We had even started meeting outside sometimes. I was happy to find that she too loved a good drink. She didn’t have too much capacity, but she knew when to control herself. Day by day, my admiration for her was increasing. I used to look for ways to impress her. I started shaving regularly, kept myself abreast of the current events, had resumed my work as a writer, and tried to keep myself ‘tip-top’ in general. Not that I had too much to show for myself, but we writers have the ability and knack to create reality out of fantasy in a moment.

By now, she had found out that I drink too much. But she didn’t know about my AA meetings. However, it didn’t seem to bother her much. And that’s what I liked most about her. She believed in giving space. No preaching, no nagging. Moreover, she used to give me some cues of her interest in me. Like, that one time, when she called in the middle of the night to check that I wasn’t drinking myself to oblivion. Another time she brought a bottle of champagne to celebrate our six-month old friendship. Or, consider the time when she brought movie tickets for us, but readily agreed to stay at home when I said I wanted to spend some time alone with her, away from people. She could read me completely.

We had started meeting more frequently. I felt I was getting used to her. I longed to be with her always, wanted to tell her about every moment of my life. I had never met anyone like her before…never felt like this. There were times I didn’t even know what I wanted to talk, but I just had to be with her. And when I couldn’t, I drank. In a very paradoxical manner, she was driving me away from, and at the same time, pushing me towards, my only love before her. Yes, I loved her.

I decided to tell her. But how could I? After all, I wasn’t settled in my career. Writing is not always a very rewarding profession. On top of it, practically speaking, I didn’t know where I wanted to go in life. But, I convinced myself, she was not somebody who’d be bothered by all this. After all, if it’s a question of money, well, her salary was good enough to support us both. And of late, she had even started showing that it was alright for me to spend her money. She didn’t seem to mind, and didn’t let me spend my money. Moreover, Life is not only about working and money. It’s about Love, something that we could create between ourselves.

I reasoned I wasn’t hallucinating. I am a practical man and see both sides of the coin before tossing it. I reflected that she too is in love with me, but is shy to admit it. Otherwise, what can explain her frequent visits to my place? What can explain her readiness to go out with me anytime I said so? What could explain the ease with which she stayed at my place for hours on weekends? What could explain the right with which she brought order in my house? Certainly, it had to be more than just a passing interest or platonic friendship…So I decided to tell her.

I had it all set that evening—the lighting, décor, soft music, her favorite food, elegant crockery, the works. I had even written a few lines for her (she really appreciated my profession, she said so). I could tell from the sparkle in her eyes that she was very surprised with all the arrangements. “What’s the special occasion?” she asked, still looking around. I smiled and recited a small poem I had written about her and on (I thought) creating the right moment, popped the question.

The next few minutes were completely unbelievable. I couldn’t quite comprehend what Andie was saying…not only that, I couldn’t understand why…how…she could say something like that. “What?! Marriage?!! Are you out of your mind? What made you think I would do something like that?” “But Andie! I thought you liked me…”

“I do…as a person. But that does not mean I love you.” I felt as if a boulder was thrown over my chest. It was getting difficult to breathe. So I poured a quick drink for myself. “See what I was saying Robert? You can’t even spend a couple of hours without a drink. How will you take the responsibility of a family? You have no focus in life, no ambition. I mean, it’s your life and you have the right to live it the way you want, but you shouldn’t expect me to do the same”, she said.

Her voice seemed so cold. “But Andie…Andie…you make me complete. You take such good care of me. You understand me so well…”

“Woah! Hold on Robert…it’s nothing that. I take care of you because you can’t do it yourself. I knew you had a drinking problem the day I met you. Why, you were stinking of alcohol at that time too! You came across as a nice guy, and so I wanted to help you out.

I am part of the AA Mumbai chapter committee. I checked with them a few days back as to how we can help you, but found out that you were already a member. Your case file says you have a critical drinking problem. That’s why I used to check even in the middle of the night. I didn’t confront you as I thought you might be uncomfortable discussing it. One of the ways to cure an alcoholic is compassion therapy. So I ignored the times when you would be staring at me, and tried to be your friend. Listen, I was concerned about you as a person, okay? I tried to be your friend. I don’t know when or why you thought this could even be possible!...”

I could feel rage inside me. This woman was obviously lying. She wanted to use me for some purpose. But now she thinks she doesn’t need me anymore. That’s why she is trying to severe all ties. But how can I let her go? I was desperate for her. I have given so much to this relationship. “I know you are saying all this because of some motive Andie, though I can’t understand what. Doesn’t matter. Listen to me Andie. Leave all this behind. I’ll start working again. We’ll start a new life…together. I know you long for me, but your job is coming in our way. Leave it…” I smiled. I knew I was saying the right thing. Now I understood the reason behind her reaction. So I poured myself a large drink. I felt better now.

“Robert! Shut up!” she shouted. Then, suddenly, she stopped and took a few deep breaths. She seemed calmer now. Her voice was also soothing. “Listen Robert, listen to me carefully. You have a very bad drinking problem. The doctors at AA have diagnosed you with having a problem of ‘distorted reality’. It means that you perceive things the way you want it. You want a certain situation to happen in your life at a sub-conscious level. So, at a conscious level, you convince yourself that it is what is actually happening…”

“You mean to say I am mad!?” I sneered.

“No…I am only saying that it is a distorted perception of the events around you. And before you ask, it is not even schizophrenia. It’s not a disease, or a symptom. It’s just that your constant drinking keeps your mind in a constant state of dizziness…”

“It stimulates my thinking…I am a creative man”, I protested. I couldn’t quite grasp what all she was saying. It wasn’t making any sense at all. She was just trying to prove that I was mad, so that she doesn’t have to marry me. What a woman! I thought to myself. First, she befriends me for some reason, then gives me enough cues to make me fall in love with her, and is now telling me that I am not living in reality!

“…this is why you sometimes have a problem understanding the people around you. Look around you, Robert; you have lost all your friends too. I am concerned about you and that’s why…”

“Enough!” I shouted. “If you don’t want to marry me, it’s fine! But I will not have anyone telling me that I am living in a fantasy world. I know what the reality is. I know I am an alcoholic, and I am fine with it. I don’t want to leave my drink. I joined AA just because I thought I might be slipping away a bit. I have brought that under control. I don’t need it anymore. I love my drink…and I love it more than I love you. Go away…I don’t need you no more”

“Robert…” she tried to say something.

“Just go!” I shouted, throwing the glass on the floor. I could see that she was frightened. Somehow, I liked it.

She got up and went away. Suddenly, the room became very quiet. I could now hear the music. Soft, romantic music. I felt very lonely…and thirsty too. So I poured myself another drink and switched on the television.

I kept drinking the whole night. Well, who needs her anyways…its no use spending time with a person who thinks you are a lunatic. And I don’t despise her either. Every person has his/her criteria of a partner, I told myself. I was happy at this “understanding” behavior of myself. “That’s being rational, see! Who says I can’t understand reality?”

…and such is my story. I am an alcoholic. I know I am, and I am not afraid, or guilty, to admit it. I cannot leave it either. I know that if I do, I’ll die. But I have realized one thing in life—the cause of, and solution to, all my life’s problems is alcohol.